Sunday, June 5, 2016

i ruined everything.

note: tl;dr

don't waste your time reading this.

come to think of it,

i am a failure.

i destroyed everything.

i ruined everything.

oh, why?

why didn't i learn? 

 i never seem to appreciate people.

never tried to.

i was a fool., still am.

ever since i was little, i was always afraid, scared of being alone.

this is why Naruto series got into me, i was the same as him.

despite of this,

out of nowhere,

there's always going to be somebody.


that's going to be my friend, close.

accompanying me

inviting me

be with me

when i was a kid,

i was so bad at befriending people. 

i've talked about this before,

when i was in primary school, i had a close friend, erm, let's call him M. (if you want to know his name, read that post lahh)

we went to the same fardhu ain class, our house was nearby, we're in the same class.

i didn't remember if i was sitting next to him or not, but i think we did not.

however, we did so many things together.

he influenced my interest on football for sure.

riding on our bike, sometimes i have to be pillion rider

gosh what an adventure for a kid that age cycling on the roads.

i mean, it's dangerous.

well kids didn't know the meaning of that word, did they?

we went to other schools just to watch football games

imagine this, we're little kids, riding our bikes on the roads, a journey of around 10 km, thinking of having fun. 

we went to the city center, community center to play video games

we got our bike tires punctured

we got our bike stolen

we walked home in the rain, arriving home around Maghrib?

i was never an athletic type, i didn't even play on the field much

but he was there, always inviting me to join him.

i was a nerd type, excel in academics, 

i had few friends with same hobby like mine - comics.

but it never was the same with what i had with him.

we didn't really talk either,

or had fun talking together,

even when at the game, he's chatting with another friend of mine.

because, i, didn't know football much (that time).

but always, we spent time together, a lot.


when we got into secondary school..

i screwed it.

although we got into the same school, living in the same hostel..

i didn't know how or why, even today,

we were not friends anymore.

despite i got into the same dorm with him on the second semester during form one, (oh Anuar Hasin was our ketua dorm that time haha)

we still didn't catch up

he was cold towards me.

i never had any idea.

although i believed it must be something i did anyway. 

maybe we were still immature, and going through puberty and all that?

so immature that we didn't know how to deal with things?

while during that time, i started to befriend with aminz, fizi, ammar.

not until form five, that we got into the same classroom..we were never in the same class since form 1.

i was not sure if Allah's plans to rekindle our relationship, but to be honest, because of that, we're in good term again.

this was one of reasons that i found worth it that i didn't go for sbpi gopeng.

thanks to it, i got to share my addiction at the time - peterpan. with him.

and thanks to it, we resumed our "adventure" only this time, with motorbike. lulz.

well he didn't participate much on our motorbike adventure, most of the time i did it with fizi.

only few times with him.

dude, i remember pillion riding him to the Summit in BM, and his bike (ours) nearly got hit on the side while on traffic light.

adventure to look for a job after SPM, kilang after kilang.

funny, now that i think about it.

there's not much chemistry, but i was glad he was there during my childhood.

he supported MU while i was Reds. so opposite right.

as of right now, at least there's no tension between us anymore.

do we really need to have chemistry in a relationship?

even if we had found one, why couldn't they be in our timeline of destiny?

when i was in form four, i met this friend, which i mentioned here, well, he was, i uh, we just clicked, i guess? chemistry? 

dude, i really liked him. he's a bright person, i knew. just like me.

i felt so happy. the only thing i looked forward to while going outing out of the hostel to have add maths class; number two, was to meet him. oh number one was so that i could buy Kreko, reading comics! lulz!

okay this is embarrassing to admit. 

to be honest, i already went for the class during end year break (before going to form 5), and i already mastered the class, dude, not to be arrogant (i'm still going to, lol), but maths/add maths was my...erm. peanuts. easy-peasy.

his father is a good friend of my father anyway.

i didn't pay much attention to class, i just wanted to have fun with him at the back..

i mastered the topic, remember?

although we went to the same matric

we weren't able to hang out much.

he's still important, for sure.

but being in physics while he's in bio, was a bit gamechanging.

oh i remember his classmate being my neighbor and my buddy is my neighbor as well.

and that classmate of him/my neighbor...well, kantoi stealing handphones.

oh so many memories in matric.


in that post i mentioned, he had gone through a lot..

latest i heard he's going to US/UK to pursue his study..he's so absorbed in that field related to cancer i guess..

not sure US or UK, it's what i heard from my dad anyway.

shoot i should give him a call

i thought about it, ended up not doing it.

that's my problem.

my point is, the person that you thought you had something going on with, they never ended up on your roads, never cross roads..

okay maybe once, we were in the same matriculation..

the people that ended up on your roads, were never the ones you wanted to be with, but you're still with them, because they're also interesting to be with. and you won't ruin the relationship.. because you didn't have high expectations?  

enter university.

i started to get to know people of different gender.


i started to like someone. girl, of course.

well, she's been a reader of my blog as well.

haha we interacted quite some time through blog didn't we? google talk?

i remember singing that karaoke song of event organized by you...Spring.. errk.. haha funny.

i'm not sure if you're reading this, i hope you don't,

but if you do, thank you for having interest in me..

erm, for liking me.

i had a tough time to get over you when i realized what i had lost..

i screwed up, i know.

you were a first (hint: hatsukoi), and that, got me scared.

scared of ruining what we had.

ended up ruining things anyway.  

and i was never sure of what i wanted..

that's why i didn't make a move.

nah, i am okay now don't worry.

because i've talked about it with someone, not one, two.

when you finally talked about it,

you're dealing with it.

when you're dealing with it, you're accepting it.

after university, i was having such a breakdown.

such a tough time.

of accepting the state of i am - dietetics graduates.

always in denial and anger, never were in acceptance.

all four years of my life were all about cursing and regretting my choice.

thinking that i should be doing something better

thinking that my potential was not meant for this

thinking that i was such a wasted talent

thinking that this job is just a menial job

after going from a hellish catering robot man shit, then playful data collector, then passionate salesperson..


i got into this current job.


was my salvation.

i uh..

i like it here.

because of this job, i met an adorable kid.

because of this job, i met a caring friend.

because of this job, i met..


how could..

how could you love someone so much?

i was able to deal with almost all of my issues.

all of my troubles that's been bothering me..

all because...i met you.


as i'm writing this..

my eyes,


nobody ever, had able to make me cry like this.

not anyone.

this recent year, had been all about you.

about being with you.

you're all i care about.

i traveled, i spent time and money..

but i never thought it was enough.

and that, turn into something worse.

one of the seven sins

that you should never be having.


and you,

along the process, 

someone got hurt.

your number one.

i know my place, i know.

and i know, my behaviors that time screwed us up.

like i said,

i ruined everything

deep inside, i did despise you.

deep inside, i did want to have what you have.

after some time, 

all of the built up emotions just acted up, i guess.

that's why it happened.

i am truly sorry if i hurt you,

i was not the only one at fault though.


in this culture if you're younger of course, you're the wrong one.

i wish..

we could get back to how we used to be..

so many things we had gone together..

endured together..

so many hearts got hurt..

i did.

you did.

you did.

of all the people that i ever encountered,

you will always be the ones, that i will keep.

no matter what.