the loner, i am

i am an introvert.

introverts, usually are not interested in talking.

or social interaction.

doesn't mean they couldn't talk

they would talk endlessly if it's involving interesting matter, for them.

because they tend to not talk,

they tend to be in reclusive manner.

people might perceive them as arrogant, shy, unfriendly, and anti-social

that's just how they are, we are, i am.

kind of pathetic.

what they don't know though,

we're like that because you, you and you are not worth their time.

you talk shit about silly things

you discuss unresolved matters about politics, religion, society

have you ever tried to change, solve the issues?

what you always did is -  talk and talk.

dumb.

then, you do the menial things -  small talk.

what's there to talk about if you went to supermarket and bought a doll for your kids?

go away.

and the most thing, introverts (some) don't believe in people.

that people, actually, do not care about you, at all.

why bother with people who do not care about you?

because of all of these, we, tend to be loner.

and, because of that loner personality,

loners tend to attract attention(s).

i don't even know why,

but there's always people who want to connect with me.

where did they come?

why me?

i don't know. 

for that, i have to say i am grateful.

thank you for trying to spend time with me. you tried. and failed, miserably i guess.

and i am sorry.

if i am not enough, did enough for you people.

because that's how i am. was. i hope it is, a "was".

i used to be such a dreadful introvert.

i mean, i just didn't care about people.

then recently, i notice, i've changed.

a lot.

i met several people. 

over the year(s)

i don't know

i felt like,

i was fine doing things on my own.

then those people that i met,

they changed me.

they just did.

i don't know.

how or why

but i came to believe in those people.

they somehow gained my trust..

of those, two people..

..they have changed me so much

i used to prioritize my schedules over anything else.

i used to prioritize me.

then, you two..

everything changed.

i chose you, over anything.

i wanted to be with you, more than anything.

i was happy.

i was loved.

i felt cared.

nothing matters, but you

i got to be honest with myself when you're around.

when we're together

i felt like i was understood

shit, i was happy.

so, very, a lot.

when was the last time i felt that way?

decades, ago..

they say, happiness won't last.

they say, you can't be happy forever.

those fairy tales are just lies.

and that's what happened.

when you got hurt..

..over and over again..

..and when it's the person you care..

..the most..

..you couldn't hate them..

..no matter what..

..you knew you were going to have to deal with it again

..you knew you were going to get hurt

..again.

..nevertheless,

..you can't escape.

it's inevitable.

..great.

------------------------- 

i abandoned this blog, left so many things, trying to live a life of normal people.

what did that get me?

people should just leave me alone.

Ed Sheeran, you could not be more wrong.

and House, yeah, you can't always get what you want.

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what's there left for us then?

get back to being a loner?

 i don't know. not a wise choice.

why is that, when you love someone... you can't, just can't, ever, leave them..you can't hate them..even if you knew you're going to get hurt again..you just, can't.

why? no clue.

that's how it is?

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what i do know, remember Allah, istighfar, always, He Is There.



end note: I am writing this in a clear state of mind, not in an upset mood. It's a result of everything that I've been keeping inside me, everything that has happened to me, last year. Not that you can comprehend it anyway, at least to understand what I'm trying to convey. My blog is always subtle. I think.